Why did no one tell me when I was younger (Don’t Laugh)

All of our internal perceptions have their own shades and decisions about beauty. Many sys admins, cybersecurity folks, and programmers really enjoy the layout and architecture if a well designed system. In a similar manner auto buffs behold the beauty of a well maintained engine.

Glad you're digging in, no matter how much I think I learn I'm continually reminded of my ignorance as I poke around new technology environments (ie web programming vs desktop coding). Each web language and framework has a largely new set of assumptions and methodology.

I dug in a little during the dot-com boom. I took a class on web development and web administration. Then I picked up a thick book on some programming language (I remember the book had a squirrel on the cover) at Barnes & Noble and never read it.

I've had to re-learn this insight about myself a few times, but programming and certain kinds of math make my eyes glaze over. More recently, I re-learned this when flirting with the CFA program. I got to the part about co-variances and wanted to stab a fork in my head. I put those books back on the shelf.

But here's the interesting twist I've found: sometimes a little exposure to the mind-numbing stuff pays off in unexpected ways. A couple of weeks ago, for example, my finance consultant was explaining to me the challenges of implementing an idea I had, while he fluently sketched out the relevant equations and charts on a pad. He started to write a co-variance chart and I remembered enough that I understood. Had the lightbulb not gone off then, I would probably have had to pay him for another half hour or hour of expensive tutoring to understand why that particular idea of mine was impractical to pursue now.

I just feel old. And it feels strange to like this when I could/should have grown up this way.

I find the way it is taught/exposed to most people mind-numbing.

I'm actually terrified of this whole process. For some strange internal reason, I desperately want to learn to code, to complement my art side. I want to break out of that shell that says “I am bad at this.” I was excellent at math until 9th grade. I still see the images of what could be in math in my head. And I am running in terror. So just even having a moment of beauty and having to say “OMFG wow I see the Kernel” like I am a 3 year old, as silly as this sounds, I'm hoping, will make me a tad less scared.

I've gone through enough in my life to know you have to build yourself up from failure, but it is absolutely terrifying to do so. I'm just hoping I get enough of those moments to make it worthwhile…No one ever sits down and gives out the *hugs, this is not as bad as it looks* program in math, science, and tech. It is not worth scaring people away from it either. Machoism is not the answer to getting talented people to come, and stay. Why would you want to torture yourself? Might as well do it because it is, you know, fun, exciting, or insightful.

Here's to hoping that I can get over the scary parts…When I tried to take Java (a class that was expecting to finish intro in 6 weeks, and MYSQL in say 3-4), it was a trainwreck. A Bad Trainwreck…may that never happen again. I still can't think why I shouldn't be able to do something like Java though…I like coffee well enough

More power to you, and I understand your point about persistence, not being afraid of failure, etc., but there's a lot to be said for finding out what your strengths are and focusing on them — and finding others to complement you in areas where you're weak. Take that from someone with a fairly middling math aptitude who decided to take a special calculus class for math/physics majors for some reason.

Somewhat related to this, I don't excited by most of the tech stuff Fred mentions on his blog. It's not that Zymanta, Disqus, etc. don't have merit — I'm sure they do — it's just that it's not immediately apparent to me why I would need or want them. Part of that, I'm sure, is me being a Luddite, but part of it also, I think, is a certain self-referential insularity among those immersed in social media. It's like: OK, we can all talk to each other. Great. And here are ways we can talk more to each other. OK. And then… ? Most people have little to say anyway. Look at most blogs, and apparently tweets for that matter too.

Something to be noted:

Overall- I feel very behind the curve in just about everything. And I am a tad older. I wish I could go back and do over middle school. This is despite the traditional definition of “very smart.” (Whatever that means).

I know I don't understand large parts of my strengths at all yet. I spent a large amount of time in school totally distracted, to the point by midway in high school that I could not write, but was taking AP courses (don't ask). And they pulled me out of lunch to fix that….it only partially helped. It took a number of years afterward (about another 2, 3) and a lot of writing, to figure out what a relatively correct sentence was. I'm still having trouble with certain grammatical forms, and spelling. And for some reason I understand Calculus, but can't do the calculations for the life of me. And I am not sure if it is the method taught, the types of problems or what.

I want to see myself moving past it, because it is just so important to move past the pain of “I can't” and feeling stuck in life.

Also I worry deeply about not ever finding a job that really pays and that allows me to experience worlds that I dream of.

As for social media- Never let an art student, with a slight sense of humor, who comes from one of the last remaining “face to face” communities in the United States, with a distinct religio-ethnic-social tradition, talk too much about it. The pen can be much mightier than the sword. Why else would you ask me to watch a movie and for my thoughts on it?

Though seriously, When I started this blog, I had a post on religion stored away and how the internet, primarily social media, though not exclusively so, had been seriously changed by the internet. I had written it because I had gotten redbated by Prokofy Neva of Second Life on Fred's Blog. In this very loud argument, s/he ended up linking me here, not realizing that I was probably one of maybe 10 commentators who remember that day very vividly, knew that area of Jeruslaem, knew the name of seminary, knew what I did the day of the bombing, could do a basic study of those texts, knew where to get those texts and the dictionary to study them for free on the internet, and had read excerpts of Marshall Mcluhann, and had very strong feelings as a result of all of these facts. I was ultra-educated because/despite the internet. The internet community plus a general education had allowed for me to source that much stuff.
That much access has been raising hell ever since. Not just for me. I'm fine with it. Adapting slowly- I need to figure out how to transition from a fairly traditional way of life to a more modern one (another reason I want to code, I need the income level to support that kind of transition), and I see it happening with a lot of small or traditionally oriented communities, or older systems of life. The little insights end up leading into huge ones. And that ends up being radical. A hugely bitter pill for a lot of people. Expect changes.

“I had written it because I had gotten redbated by Prokofy Neva of Second Life on Fred's Blog”

Could you translate that sentence for the uninitiated? I'm familiar with Fred's blog of course, and I've heard of Second Life, but what does “redbated” mean, and who is “Prokofy Neva”?

Your mention of Marshall McCluhann brings to mind his cameo in Annie Hall (if you haven't seen it, you've got to rent it this weekend… download it from the aether or however the kids are getting their movies these days).

I got called a communist by an infamous character on Second Life who has a habit of being banned from forums for troll-like behavior.

Oh. I was thinking of getting some ad space in Second Life for an online business located here in First Life. Any potential in that, you think?

I got called a communist by an infamous character on Second Life who has a habit of being banned from forums for troll-like behavior.

Oh. I was thinking of getting some ad space in Second Life for an online business located here in First Life. Any potential in that, you think?